The In-Laws is a 1979 comedy film starring Alan Arkin and Peter Falk. The film was remade in 2003, with Michael Douglas, Albert Brooks, Candice Bergen and Ryan Reynolds.

The In-Laws is a 2003 comedy starring Michael Douglas, Albert Brooks, Candice Bergen and Ryan Reynolds. The film is a remake of the original 1979 cult classic, which starred Alan Arkin and Peter Falk.

ctor: Private convo time.

rlene: Family dinners don't start until the whole family's here. ex: Where's Daddy? rlene: He's getting seconds.

rlene: Call me old-fashioned, but when I was your age, nice girls brushed their hair after sex.

tt: Oh, well, the truth is, and we didn't want to worry you but, uh, we had a flat. ctor: Well, I don't see any grease on your hands. What'd you make my daughter change it?

tt: Marlene, uh, this looks delicious. rlene: Oh, Matt, thanks. I would say it was effortless, but why lie? I broke my ass!

ex: Looks like the new Marlene's ready to climb the corporate ladder. rlene: I'm not climbin' anything in this skirt. Unless, of course, I want to close the deal!

acy: Actually, now it's Stacy Pierson-Paulson. Peter's a partner at Patterson, Pennett & Paulson. ex: Did you meet him picking pecks of pickled peppers?

e Mattress King: She could do back-flips on her side of the bed and you'd sleep through it. tt: Why would I want to?

ex: Ma, remember when you were in high school and there was a group of popular girls that were, like, oblivious to everyone else? rlene: No. It was just me and my friends.

ex: Well, one day I was in the locker-room; I was changing for gym and, uh, Stacy and her friends dropped by. Stacy looked at me and she said, "Alex, I don't know whether to call you 'Dumbo' for your ears or 'Gumby' for your body." So she compromised and for the rest of high school, her and her friends called me "Dumby."

tt: The trophies didn't move! The trophies didn't move! rlene: Wouldn't it be more alarming if they did?

rlene: The men of this household are marking their territory. If I were you, I would just try to stay out of the way and not get sprayed!

tt: I just crashed your Dad's car. ex: Yeah, nice try. He told me how great you did. tt: I'm serious. I smashed it pulling it into the garage. Then I kind of made it worse when I backed out. Then I took a deep breath, said, "Matt, relax," and smashed it again on the way in.

ex: Oh my God! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, God! tt: If that's a pep talk, it needs work!

ex: Where are you going? tt: I don't know. Mostly I'll be sleeping by day and traveling under the cover of darkness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to become a redhead.

ex: One time, one of my Dad's favorite armed truck guards left a bag of money on the curb and he forgot to tell him. My Dad was so hurt and so betrayed he couldn't even speak. He just stared into space and started singing. After that, the guard was dead to him. tt: Was he dead to anyone else?

tt: Marlene, can you, uh, keep a secret? rlene: No.

tt: When you have to tell Victor some bad news, is there anything you do or say to soften the blow? rlene: Well, there is this one thing I do. tt: Please, I'm desperate. rlene: Usually I start by taking a bubble bath with him. tt: Is there any special soap?

tt: This is partially your fault, y'know. Yeah, none of this would've happened if you had only said "no." ex: When? tt: When I asked you to marry me!

rlene: You look good in leather. Well, everybody looks good in leather. Yeah, leather's lucky... well, except for cows.

tt: Marlene, is it me or does your sledgehammer clash with that bag? rlene: I use this to hammer in my "For Sale" signs. You know, every time I swing it I feel like I'm driving in a golden spike on a whole new future and I smile. Although sometimes I hit a sprinkler line, then I just run!

tt: That's so funny! You take your aggression out on a toy! ctor: Be glad, Matt!

rlene: Victor, does our insurance cover sledgehammer accidents? ctor: No. Why? rlene: Nothing!

ex: Hey, honey. What dress do you think I should wear Saturday night? tt: You're not wearing anything. ex: Okay. Where am I going to tuck in my napkin?

tt: That's ridiculous! ex: It's crazy! tt: Insane! ex: Totally psycho! tt: Okay, if this argument has any chance, one of us is gonna have to disagree.

ctor: What the hell is that? tt: It's a C.D. The kids use it to play music. ctor: Don't mock me! I know what a Compact Dish is!

ex: Do you realize you are the first non-Pellet to ever go apple picking with us? It means you're becoming part of the family. tt: Oh, good, because I felt like marrying you and moving in with your parents was too subtle.

ctor: Still coming down. Matt, you must've washed that car but good! ex: Daddy! tt: Your father's right, the weather's my fault... along with world hunger and global warming.

ctor: What's going on? rlene: Alex wants Matt to fit in. ctor: Where? rlene: Here. ctor: Why?

ictor and Marlene eavesdrop at the door] ctor: What's going on now? rlene: Matt thinks we're listening. ctor: That paranoid little bastard!

ctor: Just because I don't like someone doesn't mean that I don't have good manners. Now, if you'll excuse me, Matt.

ctor: If anything happened to Matt before I got the chance to kill him, I'll never forgive myself.

ctor: You see, Chip is your friend. He trusts you, so you're going to exploit that to talk him out of his dream. That way, Chip takes over the business, Charles retires, and I become King of Kings. tt: What are you, a James Bond villain?

arles: I thought you were dining out with Chip and Sarah. tt: Yeah, but we kinda got into a fight. ex: Yeah. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to remove a certain couple from my buddy list.

arles: Ah, vulgarity, the cane upon which a crippled wit hobbles!

tt: So, how was the funeral? ex: You know, it was kind of sad. I've lived next door to Mr. Henderson all my life and I hardly talked to him. ctor: Well, that's why he was a good neighbor!

ctor: I can't believe the big guy came knockin' for him so soon. tt: He was 97. I can't believe he heard the door!

ctor: Well, you'll never find a more thoughtful neighbor. He even had the decency to croak during the day, so that when the ambulance came, I was at work. Now that's class, brother!

rlene: I'm the only person in the office who hasn't sold a house yet. People are beginning to talk. They call me "Can't Sell It Pellet." tt: So, someone said something in passing. rlene: They made it my screensaver!

ctor: Marlene didn't make me sleep on the couch. I fell asleep watching a documentary on The Discovery Channel. tt: Really? What was it about? ctor: Turtles who are extinct because they don't mind their own business.

tt: I, uh, hung a little Halloween decoration on the front porch and these two are making a big deal out of it. rlene: A decoration? Oh, good God, Matt, you've opened the gates of hell!

ctor: And then everything changed one faithful night. tt: I think you mean "fateful." ctor: How would you know? You weren't even there!

tt: Aren't you gonna wear goggles? ctor: No, Snoopy, I'll leave that fashion statement to you.

tt: Of course, if I was going to gloat, I might point out how ironic it is that your name is "Victor," and yet today that word seems to describe me.

ex: You made this? rlene: Yeah, well, it was kind of a team effort. I called and Pasta Palace delivered.

ctor: You know what's ironic? That your name is "Matt" and today I walked all over you.

rlene: Oh, what? You're afraid I'm gonna repeat it? ex: Mom, you break news faster than CNN!

ex: I earned that award for selling the most cookies! rlene: Your father bought most of them and he paid the neighbors to act like they bought them. Don't you remember? It was that summer I gained seventeen pounds and everything smelled like Thin Mints!

ex: You said you had the day off. rlene: Yeah, well, "day off" was kind of putting a spin on it. ex: What does it sound like when it stops spinning? rlene: I ditched work.

rlene: It was just a real estate seminar. The last one was a motivational speaker telling us how to stay focused. Blah, blah, blah... I fell asleep!

tt: Hey, you think a horse ever says, "Leave the door open; what'd you grow up in a house?"

ctor: Do you wanna learn or do you wanna be cute? tt: I'd like to do a little of both.

ctor: Well that was the worst movie ever made! ex: Daddy, how do you know? We barely stayed past the opening credits. ctor: Well that's because in the first ten minutes it contained two of my movie dealbreakers: period costumes and male nudity. rlene: Well I liked the part I saw... Oh, that didn't come out right!

tt: Why are you watching a blue screen? ctor: Because I've got six remotes and I don't know which one works the VCR.

att storms out] ctor: Well I hope you two are happy! He's the only one who knows how to work the VCR!

ex: When I was little I couldn't pronounce "grandpa" so I called him "Pappoo." tt: You know, if you animate Pappoo and team him up with a wiseass bird, you got yourself a Disney movie!

rlene: Alex! Don't let your father catch you opening presents 'til Christmas. ex: I thought I heard a puppy in there and I wanted to make sure it had some air!

tt: I finally figured out why your Dad treats me the way he does. Don't you see? Your grandfather abuses your father and your father abuses me. I'm the abused son-in-law of an abused son-in-law!

rlene: Can you believe that? She asked me to take care of her cat for the week! tt: Yeah but, Marlene, you offered. rlene: No, I didn't! I said, "If there's anything I can do." It's a hollow, meaningless gesture!

ctor: I hate cats. They always look like they're keeping a secret and they know somethin' you don't. Plus they do their business in a box, and I'm telling ya, that's not right!

ctor: He had the nerve to call our daughter spoiled in our home? rlene: I know! ctor: Well we better buy her something to make her feel better!

ex: He also said that I tell you everything. rlene: That is so not true! What else did he say?

ctor: Marlene, what have I been dreaming about for the last six months? rlene: Matt with big chipmunk teeth, chasing you with a frying pan?

ctor: Did you realize that up until now, the fastest you can get your car lubed is ten minutes? We're gonna shatter that record, Marlene. This is an eight-minute lube. And do you realize that two minutes over the course of a lifetime is an extra day? And what if that day is Christmas? Marlene, I've just given the world an extra Christmas!

ctor: I don't want you jumping through hoops just to impress her. Be yourself. ex: I am being myself: a desperately insecure girl who wants people to like her!

rlene: All I had to do to impress Victor's mother was get pregnant right away. Thank goodness she was lousy at math!

ex: Thank God we finally found a safe topic both my Dad and your Mom enjoy talking about. tt: Yeah, my horrible, awkward teen years really came in handy!

ctor: Rochelle, how are things in the Age of Aquarius? chelle: Great. They said they want their mustache back.

rlene: You know, we really don't have room for this one, but where do you throw out a recycling bin?

ctor: I hope you don't take anything that I said too personally. chelle: You mean the part where you called me a "vicious little gnome," or the part where you suggested I had erotic interests in turtles? ctor: Yeah, one of those.

ctor: You remember last night when you were talkin' about family? You said something that really hit home with me. You said, "No matter what, always respect your mother." tt: I never said anything like that. Do you just hear what you wanna hear? ctor: Oh, why, thank you, Matt; I have been working out!

ctor: Just because I think she's nuttier than a Snickers bar doesn't mean that you should disrespect her.

In preparation for his daughter's wedding, dentist Sheldon Kornpett meets Vince Ricardo, the groom's father. Vince, a manic fellow who claims to be a government agent, then proceeds to drag Sheldon into a series of chases and misadventures from New York to Central America. Written by Scott Renshaw

A mild mannered dentist is about to marry off his daughter but he's never met the boy's father. When the father of the groom comes to dinner, he brings with him weird behavior and an international plot that involves stolen plates for U.S. Currency. This is bad enough, but it occurs to him that no one would be suspicious of a dentist and he begins to ask for a few favors that have people trying to kill our hero. Written by John Vogel

When prospective fathers-in-law Steve Tobias and Jerry Peyser meet for the first time to celebrate their children's upcoming marriage, the cake hits the fan. Dr. Jerome Peyser is a mild-mannered podiatrist with a well-organized daily routine designed to eliminate all possible sources of stress. Meanwhile, daredevil CIA operative Steve Tobias moves through life like a heat-seeking missile. His average day consists of dodging bullets, stealing private jets and negotiating with international arms smugglers. Now he's giving potential father-of-the-bride Jerry a serious case of pre-nuptial jitters. Steve's dramatic entrances and exits, his cryptic references to a Russian runaway named Olga and his fight with a gunman in a restaurant washroom causes Jerry to see a vision of his daughter's perfectly planned wedding blowing up in his face. As far as Jerry's concerned, letting Steve into his family takes til death do us part way too literally. Before he can say the wedding is off, Jerry suddenly finds himself embroiled in the chaos that follows in Steve's wake as he is dragged kicking and screaming into a series of perilous adventures that take the mismatched in-laws-to-be halfway around the world. Written by Sujit R. Varma