on White tells story about a shootout] n White: One time I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on so long that eventually the criminal shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor." And I thinking, "I can see his head. Shoot him in the fuckin' head."

n White: Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't... want to. 'Cause, back me up on this, fellas: once you've seen one woman naked, you... wanna see the rest of 'em naked.

n White: Someone stole the radio out of my van last time I was here. Thank you whoever you are. [pause] I spent the entire drive home listening to the sounds of the wind for 49 hours. [snaps his fingers, bobbing his head to an imaginary melody] So, I went to the insurance agency to report my claim and they asked me what kind of radio it was, and I had to idea, but the guy told me, "Mr White, if you tell us what kind of radio it was we'll know how much to write the check for." Oh? [smirks] So I wrote down some big, expensive brand and he knew I was lying. [impersonating the clerk] "Mr White, I don't think... *Rolex* makes a radio." It was a clock radio! Write the check, premium-boy.

n White: I was sitting on a bean bag chair, naked, eating Cheetos the other day when Robert Tilton came on TV. He's a televangelist out of Dallas. He looked at me and said, "Are you lonely?" Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars pursuing sins of the flesh?" This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a bean bag chair naked eating Cheetos?"... Yes, sir! "Do you have the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Ha, ha close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second!

n White: I did not know that about myself.

n White: Who is shooting me in the legs i wonder quietly to myself?

n White: There was a guy, down in Florida, who said that the age of 53 years old he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind, rain, and hail of a force-5 hurricane. Now, lemme explain somethin' to ya: It isn't *that* the wind is blowin'. It's *what* the wind is blowin'. If you get hit by a *Volvo*, it don't matter how many sit-ups you did that mornin'.