ris Titus: Don't puss out on me now!

ris Titus: My dad never taught me dick my whole life. "Just go do it!" TSSH. antomimes opening a beer] ris Titus: "You'll screw it up and sooner or later you'll get it right. Just go do it!" Yeah, well, there are some things that method should not be applied to, though. Like your first brake job. aughter; Titus mocks it] ris Titus: My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. UGLY car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. And it was a huge car; it had an optional roof rack/helicopter pad. Fill it up with gas, back out of the driveway, fill it up again. And one day the brakes started making this high-pitched grinding noise. And I was sixteen, so I listed to the noise... ause] ris Titus: ...for about ten weeks. aughter] ris Titus: I finally said "Dad, man, the car's making, like, a noise!" TSSH. ris Titus: "Well, then you should, like, fix it." So I back the ass end of the car into the garage, but I leave the front wheels on a twenty-two degree sloped driveway... and I jack up the ass end. aughter] ris Titus: Yes, I'm about to get a lesson in gravity, aren't I? And I just know my father was standing in the living room window going, "No wait, wait wait." aughter] ris Titus: So I'm under the car, trying to make it stop better, when I notice it start to go. And my buttcheeks, thinking quickly, walked me out from under it. And three tons of vehicle went SHH... BOOM! on the garage floor. Now, I ended up on the other side of the car, my dad couldn't see me, but he came running out of the house. "CHRIS! OH MY GOD, CHRIS!" And I thought, you know, I probably should tell him I'm okay. But that little thing in my brain said, "No wait, wait wait." oughs and hacks] ris Titus: [weakly] Daaaad! Oh, God, get it off me!" He went TSSSH. "You ain't dead, get it off yourself!" aughter] ris Titus: "And don't forget to put my God damn tools away! And quit being a wussy!" Oh, yeah. I heard that every day of my life. "Quit being a wussy." But my dad didn't mean it like a lot of parents mean it. Your kid hits his head on the coffee table; "quit being a wussy." My father meant... if I got my arm ripped off, by a combine in a cornfield. My father would find the arm, get some duct tape, and strap the arm back on. ris Titus: "All right, go play, quit being a wussy." ops around the stage with his arm hanging limply by his side] ris Titus: "Oh, thank you, father, I'm so much better now! Never more wussy shall I be! I can still try out for the soccer team." lances down at his limp arm] ris Titus: "Although, not goalie."

bout his mother] ris Titus: Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states, it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives. Diagnosed manic depressive schizophreinc. Actually, it was pretty cool as a kid, 'cause I never really knew *who* was coming to dinner. But I was pretty sure they were going to be bummed out. It used to piss my teachers off. All my permission slips had different signatures on them. aughter] ris Titus: "Okay, Mr. Smart Ass, why don't you stand up? Who's this one supposed to be?" s a whining kid] ris Titus: "It's my mom." aughs] ris Titus: "Call her. But let me listen, let me listen, let me listen! I'll bet my lunch money she's Wheezy Jefferson today."

ris Titus: The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon *really* happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to *lose their minds*. "Oh my God, the world is over!" Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, "Hey... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer!" You guys have been great. Thank you.

ris Titus: I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

bout his abusive ex-girlfriend] ris Titus: We had a fight Christmas *Eve*, watching Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, where I ended up calling the cops! That earns *me* a WHITE TRASH BLACK BELT!

ris Titus: When it comes to drinking and driving my dad is Obi Wan Kenobi. He busted me once for drinking and driving. I woke up, 6 a.m. Saturday morning about 2 months into my senior year. Just hung over, just hammered. I wake up to my father standing over me, wearing a robe, holding a beer. ris Titus: [pantomimes opening a beer can] HEY! Why don't you get up and explain to my why the car's parked at such an odd angle... on the porch... across the street.

ris Titus: Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. e gestures to a small area on the left side of his chest] ris Titus: Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up." antomimes grabbing a cigarette pack from his shirt pocket, then pauses] ris Titus: "Is that funny, you little son of a bitch?"

ris Titus: If my dad's heart was below a certain beat or above a certain beat, it would zap him. So you could be in mid-sentence with my father, and he'd just go [pantomimes getting zapped, and makes a buzzer noise]

ris Titus: My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

ris Titus: They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

ris Titus: My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is *not* holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.

fter being busted by his father for drunk driving] ris Titus: He then decided to pull my driver's license for six months of my senior year. Yeah, nothing screams "prom night" more than helping that date down off the handlebars, huh? antomimes pedaling a bicycle] ris Titus: "Whoo hoo! Ching ching! Party!" antomimes squeezing the brakes] ris Titus: "Hold up, guys, my tuxedo is caught in the chain!" And I hated him for that, 'cause he always had beer in the car, man. Ever since I was kid, he had beer in the car. For 30 years, my father had beer *in* the car, sometimes on *tap*!

ris Titus: She had just ended an abusive relationship and I had just ended an abusive relationship and now both of us just wanted a relationship where we could make somebody else fucking *pay*!

ris Titus: I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. "Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work?" You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, *he's* gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!

ris Titus: My mom's insane. Of course, I don't mean "My mom is insane!" I mean, "We the jury find the defendant." When I was a kid, she was in a mental care facility. Or as dad so eloquently put it, "she's shacked up in the whacko basket!" TSSH. antomimes opening a beer] ris Titus: "Sleep well, boy!" It actually comforts me to know that when I was in kindergarten gluing maccaroni to paper plates, my mom was in therapy gluing maccaroni to paper plates. I used to put her projects on the refrigerator. ervous laughter from audience] ris Titus: You'd better lighten the fuck up, 'cause we're going a lot farther than *that* tonight.

ris Titus: My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't.

bout his mother's abusive ex-husband] ris Titus: My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. aughter] ris Titus: Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.

bout his father] ris Titus: This is a man who survived *four* heart attacks. Yeah, the doctor revoked his organ donor card. Issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal. Well, he actually had three heart attacks and a heart "episode." aughter] ris Titus: Cause his last heart attack, he was with an HMO. ore laughter] ris Titus: Yes. And it seems that if they write down "heart attack," they have to admit you. But if they write down "heart episode," they can give you Robitussin and send your ass home.

ris Titus: My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. *Ugly* car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

bout the night he fell into a bonfire] ris Titus: We are *burning* a *telephone pole*. I don't know where we *got* a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.

ris Titus: First grade show-and-tell, I taught the class to mix Long Island Iced Teas. aughter] ris Titus: From scratch. ore laughter]

ris Titus: Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd be hanging out on a Sunday afternoon, then he'd pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh? ervous laugh] ris Titus: We kicked ass at the father/son picnic, too. We didn't win the blue ribbon, but... we have it in our possession. aughter]