"No Sex (in the Champagne Room)" is a comedic spoken word song released by Chris Rock on his 1999 album, Bigger & Blacker. Intended as a parody of Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)", Rock gives one-line tidbits of advice purportedly aimed at a more urban audience (he claims to be addressing "the GED class of 1999").

For example, Rock says: :If she tells you she's 26/and looks 26/she's damn near 40

He also contends: :A real homeless person/is too hungry/to be funny ... ... ... Other targets of Rock's wit include parties with metal detectors, Ol' Dirty Bastard and Coolio, horoscopes, people with tongue piercings, and that silly-ass hat. The chorus is sung by Gerald Levert, who also makes some responses timed to Rock's remarks. When Rock suggests that a girl with a pierced tongue will "probably suck your dick," Levert sings "That'd be great!" Rock continues to observe that a guy with a pierced tongue will also "probably suck your dick," to which Levert responds "Don't want that, noooooo."

The most recognizable feature of the song may be the chorus, repeated several times, affirming that "no matter what a stripper tells you/There's no sex in the Champagne Room." This line was later quoted by Wyclef Jean in his own missive on exotic dancers, "Perfect Gentleman".

Just as "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" has been compared to "Desiderata," so might Rock's parody be considered a 1990s update of the National Lampoon's Deteriorata.

Rock's song received frequent play on the radio, and as a music video on MTV, where it ranked 43rd on TRL's "Top 99 of '99" after premiering on July 13, 1999.