wis Black: There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

wis Black: Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.

wis Black: These guys believe that a 350 billion dollar tax cut will stimulate the economy, and they are full of shit. Because they don't know what stimulates the economy. The economy goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down, nobody knows why the fuck it happens. And I know this because I took economics, and I'd explain it to yea'... but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolute nothing that you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.

wis Black: If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

wis Black: Then of course, there's Dennis Kozlowski. He took from his company 463 million dollars because, well, he had to buy shit. Are you kiddin' me? He gets on the phone: I'd like all the corn in Iowa... 'Cause I'm having a ho-down.

wis Black: You know what they would do? They would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.

wis Black: A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people... THREE people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? "Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!"

wis Black: Today's really gonna suck... BUT AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE SMALLPOX!

wis Black: And then there's the Homeland Security system, they had it colour-coded, like we're in fucking elementery school! Simplify it, there should be just three levels of security; Jesus Christ, Goddammit, FUCK ME!

wis Black: It has been way too cold this winter, I mean th-th-th-the temperatures have been UNGODLY, where the FUCK is global warming when you NEED IT!

wis Black: It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!

wis Black: I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

wis Black: I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one thought. I have NOT been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - FUCK IT'S COLD!

wis Black: The most important part of travel, is when you come home. Because, that's when you see your country with new eyes. I was amazed to realize that we're - we're the only country that - that tells the rest of the world, on a nearly constant basis, that we're the greatest country on Earth. And that is a little fuckin' obnoxious! And they know it's obnoxious. Because, if you were in an office, and there was someone there, who came in every day and said; "I'm the greatest fucker here! And you snivelling shits would die without me! AHAHAHAHA!" I can guarantee that by the end of the week, you'd have killed him! And eaten him, just to try to possess his power!

wis Black: And for all we study about health, we know nothing! Is milk good or bad? [pause, the audience is silent] I rest my case!

irst lines] wis Black: [audience is giving a standing ovation at the beginning and Lewis Black is trying to get them to sit back down] That is way too much excitement. Son-of-a-bitch wh... I mean this is all fun for you guys, but I gotta fucking WORK here!

wis Black: After I failed my second test, I grabbed my teacher by the front of the shirt and said "Are you *trying* to keep this shit a secret?"