m Day Craig: Brett is now the official Cumputa City floater. th Day Knight: Oh! A floater. Well, what does that pacifically entail, Kim? m Day Craig: Well, Brett sort of explained it like he's kind of like an octopus. You know, spreading his testicles over all departments. th Day Knight: Oh, that sounds like a big job.

ue: I'm just glad I'm working. That's for sure. ude: Yes, your two hours a week here must really help the coffers.

ue: Hi, Trude. I got here as soon as I could. Sorry. ude: Hi, Prue. How's the court case going? ue: Ohh! Not great. Adrian's resigning on every company he's ever had preferential shares in. Bloody ASIC. ude: I know. They're just bullies. ue: Mmm. ude: They've been sniffing around Noosa. Graham's had to go and put in a bloody ramp, so he can call it a special facility. I mean, he's ruined my whole façade. ue: Oh, no, Trude! Well, you know, you can just grow something over that. You know, like a bougainvillea or something. ude: Oh, yes. Or a choko vine. ue: Mmm. ude: I'll get Paul onto that. ue: Yes. ude: Oh, poor Adrian. ue: Oh, no, Trude! Not poor Adrian. I have no sympathy for him. You know, he gets on a few boards and he goes mad with power. ude: Well, Graham's the same. Power, power, power. They love it! ue: I know, they're all arseholes. And did I tell you? All those lovely Whiteleys he gave me for my birthday have had to go back to the National Gallery. ude: Ohh! ue: I know. ude: So how are you living? Hand to mouth? ue: Absolutely. Adrian is still trading, though, through his secret Swiss accounts. ude: Mmm. ue: But, you know, I'm just glad I'm working. That's for sure. ude: Yes. You're two hours a week here must really help the coffers. ue: Mmm. They do.

irst lines] ett Craig: Well, I didn't think it'd go this far. It's like I've been possessed or something. lly: What about Kim? ett Craig: Don't worry about Kim.

m Day Craig: [Kath is walking around Fountain Lakes Shopping Centre with a Christmas tree] Mum, why'd you have to get the tree first? th Day Knight: Because, Kim, if I'd left it any later I would've only got a bendy one. Oh! Look! Let's go in there. I wanna get my table decor.

th Day Knight: Oh, hello. Do you sell Chrissie-themed serviettes? ude: No. We sell napkins, but you'll need to go to manchester. th Day Knight: Manchester? Really? ude: Down the back. Napery. m Day Craig: Same to you!

ude: Now, Prue, I hate to talk work, but this morning we've got that awful guy from Blanco. ue: Oh, no! He's so Miele-mouthed. He always talks Bosch. ude: I know. He makes me want to Gaggenau. ue: [laughs] Oh, Trude. Me too. [sees Kath and Kim and gasps] Oh, no. I see faux fur's back. ude: Ohh! What is she doing down there? ue: I know. And with her tree. Don't you think she could get it delivered? ude: I don't think they deliver where she lives. ue: Oh, Trude, you're dreadful. You're dreadful. [they both laugh]

m Day Craig: Oh, look, Mum. Another present I got for Epponnee. It's the bath book version of "The Da Vinci Code". th Day Knight: [laughs] Ohh! m Day Craig: Look. It squeaks when you press the albino.

th Day Knight: [eating a banana] Gee, one day, I'd like to be a franchisee, Kim. m Day Craig: Yeah, well, you look more like a chimpanzee today. th Day Knight: What? Don't be stupid, Kim. I do not.

m Day Craig: It's my Tan-In-A-Can spray. It's nice, isn't it? th Day Knight, Sharon Strzelecki: Yes, it's nice, it's different, it's unsual.

th Day Knight: Oh, Kim! Look, it's not Brett's fault If you're gonna blame anybody, blame John Howard.

m Day Craig: Have you got partner shame, Brett? When have I ever embarrassed you? When? Just tell me. One time. aron Strzelecki: Um, actually, Kim, you know, there was that last drinks. Remember? When Brett was trying to impress that big client from Samsung? And you came up and your top fell off. When you were blind. m Day Craig: I was not blind and that was a wardrobe malfunction.

m Day Craig: Mum, can I have a giant Wonka Bar? th Day Knight: No you can't. m Day Craig: Please? I haven't had anything all day. th Day Knight: No, you just had a packet of Nerds, Kim. m Day Craig: Oh, you're so mean. I'm starving. Please! th Day Knight: No! m Day Craig: Please! th Day Knight: I said no! m Day Craig: Ohh! I hate you! th Day Knight: Kimmy. Kim, look at me, please. Look at me. [growls] Look at me! Now, I've got one word to say to you, Kim. Oh, yes, alright.

th Day Knight: Kim! Bite your tongue or I'll come over there and bite it for you.

th Day Knight: Now, I'm gonna provide all the bread sticks, and Kel and I are turkey and chook respectively. m Day Craig: That sounds about right. th Day Knight: And I'm going all free-range this year. Oh, God, with the way my hormones are at the moment, I do not want to be ingesting anymore.

th Day Knight: Oh, Sharon, love, no, you can't use the computer yet. I'm still downloading Michael Bublé to my iPod Mini. Oh, I've been looking up his back catalogue all morning, Sharon. It's huge.

aron Strzelecki: Oh, thanks, Mrs. D. Can I crack open the Tia Maria and put on some footy franks?

m Day Craig: So tell me, Kim. What's all the goss? What's been happening around here. th Day Knight: Brett's had a big promotion. m Day Craig: Oh, really? What? th Day Knight: Yeah. He's been moved sideways. Yeah, so the pressure's really on me now. You wouldn't know what it's like to be married to a very successful guy. m Day Craig: Oh, wouldn't I? [points to Kel] What do you call this here eating his yoghurt and moosli. So tell me, what's the promotion.

lly: Goodnight, Brett. ett Craig: Merry Christmas, Kelly. lly: Brett. [he kisses her]

l Knight: That really is nice toast. Is that sour dough?

lly: Well, that's good that I know now. Because I really need you to spend the night with me, Brett.

l Knight: Gee, your trap's tight, sweets. th Day Knight: Yeah, I know. Loosen it up for me, will you?

l Knight: [Epponnee cries while Kel is watching "Meet The Fockers"] Come on, Epps. It's a good film. It's Barbra Streisand. We love Barbra Streisand. Yes, we do.

m Day Craig: [pole dancing on a table] Whoo! Guys, I'm "Coyote Ugly"! n: You've got that right love. [Kim screams as she falls off the table she's dancing on]

th Day Knight: Oh, Kim, what did the Doctor say? m Day Craig: She said I've cricked my neck, and cracked my clack. th Day Knight: Oh, Kim.

th Day Knight: [Kel is about to eat a sandwhich] Kel! Don't eat those. They're not for us, they're for The Wiggles. Can't you read? l Knight: No need to bite my head off. I might have one of these drinks. th Day Knight: No! They're Rhonda Burchmore's Gatorades.

llow Wiggle: G'day, mate. We're a bit lost. rple Wiggle: And we've lost Anthony. Have you seen him? l Knight: No. Who's Anthony? d Wiggle: He's the Blue Wiggle. Stage management said they'd be some sandwiches here for us. Have you seen them? l Knight: [defensively] No.

onda Burchmore: Hey, Darl, can you give me a hand with my zip? l Knight: Oh, sorry, Rhonda. Tuna hands.

th Day Knight: [walking into Michael Bublé's dressing room] Oh, gee, this is big, isn't it? [seeing the toilet] Oh, you've got your own toot!

m Day Craig: [gasps] There's Santa. I got such a vibe from him the other day.

ve McManus: Rhonda Burchmore, ladies and Gentlemen. And now will you please welcome, the one and only Mr. Michael Bublé, and the mature age students from the Jazzy Bee Dance Studio with "Sway".

aron Strzelecki: [trying on a wedding dress] What do you think, Kim? It's a bit tight. I can't walk very well. I can hobble, though. Oh, jeez, Kim, I really love it. m Day Craig: Oh, my God! aron Strzelecki: I know. It's really nice, isn't it? m Day Craig: Oh, that is so funny. [laughs] Wear that, Sharon. Wear that. aron Strzelecki: I don't want to look funny, Kim. I want to look pretty. m Day Craig: Oh, come on, Sharon. You're never gonna look pretty.

aron Strzelecki: Could you tell me the correct time, please? ude: Six forty five in the morning. aron Strzelecki: I've been up shopping all night. I'm getting married. ude: [on the phone] Mmm... Completely over the limit? What, not a cent?... No, it looks about right... No, I'm happy to... Thank you... Bye bye... [hangs up] The bank's instructed me to do this to your credit card. And that comes in a cute complimentary Christmas box. Thank you. Bye-bye.

ett Craig: Well, it looks like we're both in the doghouse now, eh, Kel?

ett Craig: I've gotta go to work. l Knight: What? On Christmas Day? ett Craig: New workplace agreements, Kel. th Day Knight: Oh, bloody Howard! I bet he's not working on Christmas Day. m Day Craig: Who?

th Day Knight: [after taking the Christmas turkey out of the oven] Oh, no. Oh, it's still completely frozen in the middle! Oh, how can that be? Ohh! Ow! [goes to put it in the microwave but burns her hands and drops the turkey on the kitchen floor] Oh! Oh!

th Day Knight: Can you hear someone outside, Kel? [dramatic choral music plays] It's the albino, Kel! It's John Monk! What's he doing here? He's coming inside! l Knight: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. th Day Knight: What? l Knight: The code, Kath. I've just realised. All the signs were there. I've cracked it, Kath! th Day Knight: Yeah, I think I have to, Kel! l Knight: No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci Code. Listen, it's like a puzzle. First, there was the car that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting. th Day Knight: And our names, Kel. I've always thought. Kel Knight, Knight's Templar. And Kath Day - Opus Dei. l Knight: And now John Monk has come here to kill us, just like in the end of "The Da Vinci Code". th Day Knight: Is that what happened in the end? Because I didn't finish it! I lost interest! Oh, no! [screams] hn Monk: Have you cracked the code yet? l Knight: Yes. And you're going to kill us! hn Monk: No, no. I'm not. You haven't read the clues properly. You haven't worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting? th Day Knight: The painting? It's there.

l Knight: So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet? th Day Knight: And it spells out the magic word: "Franchisee"? Well, what does that mean? hn Monk: It means that I want to offer you and Kel the Da Vinci Code Tour franchise.

l Knight: So John, why are you selling the franchise? hn Monk: It's hair dressers orders, really. I'm not really an albino. l Knight, Kath Day Knight: Oh. hn Monk: [chuckles] No, this is peroxide. l Knight, Kath Day Knight: Oh. hn Monk: Amazing, isn't it? Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn into one great big dried-up frizzy old perm. th Day Knight: Oh, that'd be awful wouldn't it? You wouldn't want one of those. Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea? hn Monk: Well, what is it? th Day Knight: Yeah? Oh, we're just going to have some seafood, some left over seafood. hn Monk: Australian seafood. Very nice. th Day Knight: Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I? And we've got the Chicken Tonight, that we didn't have today, that we can have tonight.

l Knight: So, John, what do you think of Australia? th Day Knight: Oh, yes! Tell us. Be honest, be honest. m Day Craig: It's the best place in the world, isn't it? hn Monk: Well to be perfectly frank with you, I was a little disappointed in Edithvale, and Aspendale and, to some extent, Mordialloc. But once I got past Parkdale and into the Golden Mile, oh, I was blown away. m Day Craig: Oh, yeah. hn Monk: I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray's Tent City ad Barbecues Galore on the other, it doesn't get much better than that. m Day Craig: No, it's fantastic. th Day Knight: It doesn't, indeed.

th Day Knight: What? I didn't do anything, it's my aphrodisiac.

th Day Knight: Gee, he's an Australian icon isn't he? m Day Craig: Yep. th Day Knight: And she's an Icon. m Day Craig: Mm-hm. th Day Knight: He's an icon. m Day Craig: He's not an icon. He's just a con. th Day Knight: Huh? m Day Craig: Oh, The Wiggles. They're icons. th Day Knight: Yeah. Oh, Kim, did I tell you? When they sang "Hot Potato" at Carols, I went off, literally. m Day Craig: Eww! I'm more a Hooley Dooley girl, myself. Sharon likes The Wiggles.

th Day Knight: Kim, did I tell you Sharon and Marriot are back on together? m Day Craig: Well, how does that work? th Day Knight: Oh, you know. Relationships, Kim. I mean, you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors, do you? She's obviously pushing his buttons, and he's pushing hers right back. I think it's beautiful and it works for them, doesn't it? m Day Craig: [Kim's mobile phone beeps] Oh, I've just got another naughty text from Brett. Listen to this. "Meet me down the back in PlayStations in five minutes". I mean, how does he expect me to get to Fountain Gate in five minutes. th Day Knight: Oh, gee, he's keen, Kim. m Day Craig: He is. th Day Knight: You go, girl. m Day Craig: Yeah, in a minute.

ast lines] m Day Craig: Jeez, Mum, you look huge in that shirt. You look like Jordan. th Day Knight: Oh, I wish. No, they're my chicken fillet falsies, Kim. I just rinsed off the Chicken Tonight and popped them back in. m Day Craig: One looks bigger than the other. th Day Knight: Oh, yeah. That's because John Monk ate the left one. But it's okay. I'm naturally much bigger on that side anyway. So I think it balances out. Isn't it amazing, Kim, that my franchisee dream finally came true? Can you believe John Monk sold us his business? m Day Craig: How did you pay for that? th Day Knight: In kind. m Day Craig: Oh, that sounds nice. th Day Knight: Yeah, it was nice. m Day Craig: Mmm. You know, Mum, evidently, "The Da Vinci Code" has been proven to be completely untrue. th Day Knight: Yes, Kim, I know that. I'm not stupid. But the second one, you know, "Da Vinci Code Two: G'Day Leonardo", they show that that is absolutely 'istorically correct. And what a boon for us that it's set right here in ye olde Melbourne. I can't believe it!

m Day Craig: Still gotta get something good for Brett [for Christmas] . You know, he's really into labels now... Dulcie and Kabanna, Tony Hellfinger, Louise Futon.

m Day Craig: I gotta go and get your [christmas] present. th Day Knight: Where? Where are you going? m Day Craig: I'll be in the $2 shop.

th Day Knight: How's it going, Sharon? Have you met anybody [on Internet dating] yet? aron Strzelecki: Oh, no, not really, Mrs D. Just a couple of lukewarm nibbles. th Day Knight: Oh well, whatever you do, love, don't put your photo up. aron Strzelecki: I already have. Why? Do you think it would put people off? th Day Knight: Oh, no Sharon. You've got a very pretty face. It wasn't full-length, though, was it?

aron Strzelecki: Oh, why can't I meet someone like Shane? m Day Craig: Who? aron Strzelecki: Shane! Shane Warne. I'm reading his newie. 'SMS: A Cry for help'. Oh, he's such a spunk! m Day Craig: Can't see it myself. Why do you like Warnie so much? aron Strzelecki: Well, he's not choosy at all, so I figure I'd be in with a chance. I mean, he pretty much goes for anything on two legs. And I have them.

ude: Do you hate me?

ue: I'm reading Martha Stewart's newie. Have you read it? ude: No. ue: Oh, it's great. It's called '101 Things To Do Inside' and it's got it all, you know. Like it's got 'Petit Point for Petty Crims', which is great. And this is great. It's 'Country Craft for Crafty... ' Can I help you?

m Day Craig: That's it, Brett. I want a divorce. D-I-V-O-R-S-E!

m Day Craig: You know, Brett, it's one thing to crack onto someone else, but what's hurt me more deeply than I can say is that you'd chase someone as foul as Kelly!

ett Craig: Kim, you're acting crazy! m Day Craig: No, Brett. For the first time in my life I'm acting rashly. Oh, and don't bother going home tonight, Brett. It's over. Finished. Burrito!

aron Strzelecki: I'm getting married! m Day Craig: What? Married? Are you doing this to spite me?

m Day Craig: [at a dance studio] Sharon! What have you come as? aron Strzelecki: Well, this is my Polish national costume, Kim. Why? m Day Craig: No, I said "pole dancing". aron Strzelecki: Yeah, well, I'm a Pole, Kim. Strezlecki.

m Day Craig: Oh, Mum! What a great costume! aron Strzelecki: Oh wow, Mrs D. You look hilarious. You're gonna win for sure. Where'd you get that? th Day Knight: [Wearing an over-the-top 80's style pink outfit] Oh, from my wardrobe, Sharon. Costume? m Day Craig: Yeah, it's an 80's party. th Day Knight: Oh, no! Nobody told me. I would have put something funny on!

nta: Ho, ho, ho! m Day Craig: Thank you, Santa. I am!

chael Bublé: Thanks for your help back there, Kath. You're obviously an old pro from way back. th Day Knight: Oh, right back at you, mister. chael Bublé: Kath, remember. Save the last dance for me.

aron Strzelecki: That's it, Kim! I've had enough! I'm not putting up with any more of your abuse. I've done everything for you. I've put my career on hold. I could have been anything if I'd had the talent. But instead, I have come around to your house every single day and been your escape goat. Well, I have got some home truths for you, Kimberley Diane Craig nee Day. You are not a hornbag! And in fact, you look a whole lot older than what you say you are. And look around, Kimmy! Guys are not lining up to eat putty out of your hand! m Day Craig: So what are you saying, Sharon? They're eating putty out of my hand in my head? aron Strzelecki: Unlike me, Kim, you can't even get anyone. Not even Brett. m Day Craig: Thin ice, Sharon. aron Strzelecki: Since I've met Marriat, his love and support has given me the strength to stand up to you, Kim. m Day Craig: Marriat? Marriat? You haven't even met Marriat, Sharon! aron Strzelecki: TAKE THAT BACK! I am warning you Kim. If you say one more thing about Marriat, I swear I will kill you! Do you hear me? I WILL KILL YOU!

m Day Craig: Bloody Sharon. I am not mean. Mummy's a hornbag, aren't I, Epponnee? ponnee Rae: Nuh. m Day Craig: You little b... You said your first word! Say it again! Say it again! ponnee Rae: Nuh.

hn Monk: Oh, this chicken is rubbery. th Day Knight: [In mock Japanese accent] Thank you, John-san. Thank you vely mush. hn Monk: No, I mean it. It really is rubbery! th Day Knight: Oh no! They're not chicken breasts. They're mine! They're my chicken fillet falsies!

th Day Knight: Oh Sharon, is everything alright? aron Strzelecki: No, not really. m Day Craig: Where's Marriat? aron Strzelecki: Marriat is nowhere. He's nowhere and nothing. Turns out that I fell in love with a piece of spam. After he didn't turn up at the airport, I went to an Internet cafe. And I discovered that Marriat - my beautiful, gentle, smart, funny Marriat - is nothing more than a blog. An Internet address. marryat.com. A site that's been offering to marry women all around the world... But, you know, the weird thing is, Mrs D, I still love him!

aron Strzelecki: [Sharon has just announced that she is getting married] Kim, I am a bit nervous about the wedding night, I really want to surprise him. m Day Craig: I know what would really surprise this guy on your wedding night is if you did pole dancing aron Strzelecki: Oh yes! I reckon i'd be really good at that! m Day Craig: Everyone's doing it aron Strzelecki: Really? m Day Craig: Yeah. I could teach you... but we might be better to go to someone who knows how to do it.

th Day Knight: And did I show you this, Kim? I got it in Milan. Can you believe it? They've got an Oz Knits outlet in Milan! And these are all the rave in Europe. And I got... for Epponnee, for little Epps... Look what I got for you, darling. Isn't this cute? [hands Kim a baby t-shirt] "My grandma went on the Da Vinci Code Tour and all got was this lousy t-shirt". m Day Craig: I really like that. I could fit into that. I might wear that.

l Knight: The albino's the chap who runs the whole Da Vinci Code Tour. A fellow by the name of John Monk. th Day Knight: Yeah, he was nice. But he was funny, wasn't he? Not funny ha-ha, funny weird. l Knight: Mmm... Oh, he's raking it in though. th Day Knight: Yeah.

l Knight: How long have these osso bucos been sitting here? m Day Craig: I just bought them yesterday. l Knight: Well, you can't be leaving meat out in this weather. m Day Craig: [quietly mocking Kel] "Can't be leaving meat out in this weather".

th Day Knight: Yeah, it was sorta like "The Amazing Race", Kim. You know that TV show? m Day Craig: Sounds boring. l Knight: Oh, no, wasn't boring. They even had an orgy in a crypt one night after tea, didn't they Kath? th Day Knight: Ohh! It was so real, Kim. It was amazing how it was done. I've got a photo of it here. m Day Craig: Eww! If it was so awesome, how come you're home early? l Knight: Oh, as it happens, at our last stop, we were supposed to be staying with this direct descendant of Jesus'. th Day Knight: Yeah. He runs a B&B with his wife Kerry. Kim, he was such a phony. l Knight: Oh, you could clearly see he had a stick-on beard. th Day Knight: Yeah. So we just... we just left. You know, we'd seen enough.

th Day Knight: [smelling a tub of yoghurt] No, it's fine, Kel. It's fine. It's not off. Yoghurt smells like that.

th Day Knight: [to Kel] You look just like Todd McKenney.