ris Rock: Women ain't gonna let a thing like sense fuck up they arguement.

ris Rock: Women HATE women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, "Fuck that bitch, " "Fuck that bitch." Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, "Aww man, shes nice, I gotta get me a girl LIKE that." If a woman introduces her new man to here girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes "I gotta get HIM, and I will slit that bitches throat to do it." Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.

ris Rock: [singing] Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! A put a dick in her ear,dick in the ear, dick in the ear! Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! Fuck her in the eye, Fuck her in the eye! Blind the bitch, blind the bitch...

ris Rock: The government hates rap man. And only rappers get gun down like this. I'll tell you right now if Billy Joel, Elton John and David Bowie got shot they'd have Bruce Sprigsteen's house surrounded.

ris Rock: You can't just whip out a 40 year old titty that's your man's titty. That is your man's titty 40 year old titty your man's titty. 20 year old titty community titty. That's for all to see.

ris Rock: The number one reason people hate America, the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Seperate God from school, seperate God from work, seperate God from government but on your money it says in God we trust. All my life I've been looking for God and He's right in my pocket. Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church the church of ATM, everywhere you look there's a new branch popping up... remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don't got. And if you got less than twenty dollars the machine won't even talk to you. The machine is like you better go see a teller. You ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents? Oh it's disgusting... oh man you gotta wait on that long ass line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get on to the fucking front you fill out your form eight fifty. The fucking teller looks at it she look at you she looks at the check she don't even take the money out of the drawer she take it out of her pocket, "here you go get out of here." And here's something man drugs are illegal but ATM machines are open twenty four hours a day. Twenty four hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out three hundred dollars at four o'clock in the morning for something positive. Shit when you press that machine at four o'clock in the morning I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen an go "c'mon man, save your money man. Don't buy drugs buy some rims. They spinning nigger they spinning they spinning nigger they spinning." Americans worship money. Shit you know why banks are closed on Sunday? Cos if they wasn't church would be empty.

ris Rock: Janet done lost her damn mind, whipping out a titty on a Sunday afternoon. A titty on a Sunday afternoon! 40 year old titty? Your man's titty! 20 year old titty? Community titty!

ris Rock: Titties and tater tots don't mix!

ris Rock: White people sell guns, that's all right. Black rapper *says*, "Guns," congressional hearing!

ris Rock: If drugs were legalized, there would be a drug spot in every corner. It wouldn't be a Starbucks. It'd be Weedbucks. McDonald's? McCokeald's. Krispy Kreme? Kracky Kreme. Krispy Kreme Donuts are so good, if I told you it had crack in it, you would be like, "I knew it was something in there. These donuts are too good. Got me going there at 4 o'clock in the morning going, "Come on, man, open up. Let me have at least one donut. I'll do anything. I'll suck your dick!" That should be the new slogan. Krispy Kreme: So good, you'll suck a dick.

ris Rock: Bush did some things you could never get away with at your job. When Bush started his job, there was a budget surplus. Now there's like a $70 trillion deficit. Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're closing out your register and it's $70 trillion short. The average person would get in trouble for that. Then he started a war? Now just imagine you worked at the Gap. You're $70 trillion behind on your register and you start a war with Banana Republic because you know they're selling better tank tops than you. So now you've got employees bleeding all over the khakis. Then you finally take over Banana Republic and you find out they never made tank tops in the first place.

ris Rock: It's hard to defend "I've got hos in different area codes". It's hard to defend "Move bitch, get out the way"! xplaining] Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, "Move, bitch, get out the way". You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!

ris Rock: All the stuff goin' on in the news, it's just a trick to get your mind off the war. That's all it is. A trick to get your mind off the war. Okay? I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room... Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that lil' boy to Michael Jackson's house, Bush killed Lacy Peterson... Bush was fuckin' Paris Hilton in that video! All to get your mind off the war.

ris Rock: The government doesn't give a fuck about your safety. They sell guns at Walmart, they don't give a fuck about you!

ris Rock: Here you go Shaq! Go buy yourself a bouncin' car. Bling Bling!

ris Rock: They wanna get you hooked on some legal shit! They just keep on naming symptoms until they name you that you fuckin' got. ris Rock: It's like: are you sad, are you lonely, you got athletes foot? Are you hot, are you cold, what you got? Ya want this pill huh, mothafucka? You gotta take this pill! ris Rock: And they don't even tell you what the pill does, you see a lady on a horse, or a man in a tub... And they just keep namin' symptoms: are you depressed, are you lonely, do your teeth hurt, what the fuck? ris Rock: I saw a commercial the other day that said, "Do you go to bed at night and wake up in the mo'nin?" ris Rock: Oh shit they got one! I got that! I'm sick, I need that pill!

ris Rock: God forbid some brown people got wealthy... We can't have that! Because drugs come from brown countries. We can't have no wealthy brown people! There are no wealthy black or brown people in America.

ris Rock: They [the government] keep trying to scare us. They keep telling us to be on the lookout for Al-Quedia. I ain't scared of Al-Quedia! I'm from Brooklyn... I don't give a fuck about Al-Quedia! Mother fuck Al-Quedia. Did Al-Quedia blow up the building in Oklahoma? NO! Did Al-Quedia put anthrax in your mail? NO! Did Al-Quedia drag James Byrd onto the street till his eyes popped out of his fuckin' head? NO! I ain't scared of Al-Quedia! I'm scared of Al-Cracka!

ris Rock: Damn. It's all fucked. The world's fucked up man. ris Rock: Michael Jackson lost his mind. What the hell is wrong with Michael? Another kid? Another kid? I thought it was groundhog's day when I heard that shit. Another kid. Get the fuck out of here. That's how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much. We let the first kid slide. Another kid. I'm fuckin done. I'm done with Michael. I was a fan my whole life. I am fuckin done. I'm handing in my glove. I saw Michael on 60 minutes. Ed Bradley tried his best to make Michael look like a mammal. An animal that drink water and breathe air. Right. He give Michael the easiest, the easiest GED questions in the world and Michael could not pass the test. He said, "Oh Michael, do you think its proper for a 45 year old man to sleep in the bed with 13 year old boys." "Yes". "Ok, ok, oh let me refrase that question." "Would you let your question sleep in a bed with 45 year old man that has been accused of child molestation." "Yes". Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, "Nigga, is you crazy." Like he wanted to take the 60 minutes clock and push the shit forward and say "get the fuck off my show". "I thought you said it was 60 minutes". "It's 10 minutes. Get out here, you nutty nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you." ris Rock: I'm done with fuckin Michael! What the fuck? Another kid? That's like another dead white woman showing up at O.J.'s house, and O.J. going "I know what you're thinking...”

ris Rock: Are we so desperate for entertainment, that we fall for a trickless magician. Saw a lady in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something. What's his last trick. I'm in a box and I aint going to eat. I'm in a box and I aint going to eat. That aint no trick. That's called living in the projects.

ris Rock: [on Jermaine Jackson] What is up with Jermaine? Is it just me or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen? Just greasy motherfucker looking like he sprayed Armoral on his face! Just glistening... like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter! When Jermaine is on the TV, I got wipe the screen! "I can't see shit! Jermaine must've been on!" Even the police can't catch his ass. He just slips out! They're like "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga please!"

ris Rock: People always say that we can't have gay marriage because marriage is a sacred institution, that happens in the church. It's sacred... no it's not! Marriage ain't sacred! Not in America! Not in the country that watches "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" or "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" or "Who Wants to Marry a Midget?" Get the fuck outta here! Gay people have as much of a right to be miserable as everybody else!

ris Rock: What is up with Kobe going to Colorado, around all these white people, not bringing Johnnie Cochran? ris Rock: You gotta bring him to that shit. Johnnie would knock that shit out in two weeks.

ris Rock: Wealth will set us fucking free, okay? 'Cause wealth is empowering, wealth can uplift communities from poverty, okay? A white man gets wealthy, he builds Wal-Marts and makes other white people have some motherfucking money. A brother gets rich, he buys some motherfucking jewelry.

ris Rock: You know what's fucked up? Every year Tupac comes back from the dead, records a new album with clues in it - every record got a clue, if you listen real hard. [rapping] 'A brother in red shot me dead - ' 'Right there! Track four! 'Pac is tryin' to tell us something! Listen again!' [rapping] 'There was a nigga named Kevin with a Mac-eleven - ' 'Right there! 'Pac is reachin' out to us! *Listen!*'

ris Rock: [on how the government hates rap] Shit, if you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! [as policeman] 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'

ris Rock: You know 'the stripper myth.' The stripper myth is: 'I'm stripping to pay my tuition.' No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! Shit, I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. If they've got so many strippers in college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said 'if I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.' I haven't met her yet. If I do, she's gonna get a big tip.