A Voyage Round My Father is an autobiographical play by John Mortimer, later adapted for television.

The first version of the play appeared as a series of three half-hour sketches for BBC radio in 1963. It then became a television play with Ian Richardson playing Mortimer while Mark Dignam played his blind barrister father. Mortimer then adapted it for the stage and Alec Guinness was the father and Jeremy Brett the son at the Haymarket Theatre in 1971. Mortimer later (1982) turned the play back into a film for television with Laurence Olivier as the father, Alan Bates as the son, Elizabeth Sellars as the mother and Jane Asher as Elizabeth. This production was notable for including the blind actor Esmond Knight in a sighted role, as one judge Mortimer senior faces.

In June 2006, the play was revived at the Donmar Warehouse with Derek Jacobi and Dominic Rowan and transferred to the Wyndham's Theatre in September.

ifford Mortimer: This coffee's frozen, like a sort of Arctic mud.

hn Mortimer: You think of how people tell you it's meant to feel: sudden freedom, the end of dependance. You walk into the sun and no-one is taller than you, and you are in no-one else's shadow. But I know how I felt. Lonely.

hn Mortimer: Don't be angry. ifford Mortimer: I'm always angry! When I'm dying...

ifford Mortimer: If they ever give us another War, avoid the temptation to do anything Heroic! That's my advice to you.

ifford Mortimer: You're alone in this world, and there's nothing anyone can tell you about it! ns as a Boy: Wah! ther: Oh, never crying! ifford Mortimer: Say "Rats!" It's impossible to cry if you say "Rats!", it's something to do with the muscles of the face. ns as a Boy: [Walking to the car, off to boarding school] Rats! Rats! Rrrrrats!

ifford Mortimer: Never let anyone deceive you into thinking that the world was created in six days. Six days labour wouldn't produce one primitive earthworm! The evolution of the horse was a most torturous process! [Shakes head] So, none of this "six days" nonsense.

admaster: You shall refer to us all by nicknames. I am Noah. My wife is Mrs. Noah. You are the animals. This is Ham and Japhet. Matron is Matey. And Mr. Bingo Ollard... Mr. Bingo Ollard is Mr. Bingo Ollard.

admaster: Ah, now that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Dreams. You'll have them. Oh, certain you'll have them. The trick is always to sleep on your right side. Never on your left, stops the heart. Never on your back, encourages dreams. And you must always think to yourself "You Rotter to have had a dream!" Of course if you're awake, you can do something about it. Go for a run, or have a cold shower. Always tell the Housemaster, he'll understand. "Sir," you say, "That is what I felt the need to do!"

ifford Mortimer: [From the Fortress-Garden] HAVEN'T THOSE VISITORS LEFT YET?

hn Mortimer: Why did he not blaspheme? Beat his head against the pitch-black walls around him. Why didn't he curse God?

ifford Mortimer: [From bedroom] My tie! Oh God, where's my tie? If only you knew the loneliness of getting dressed!

ifford Mortimer: When I rise to cross-question I will not be interrupted! dge: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! Now, what was your question? ifford Mortimer: I have forgotten it. My learned friend's remark had the effect he no doubt intended and I have forgotten my question! ustead: Sir, this is absurd! ifford Mortimer: Wait! I've remembered it again...

igate: I'll tell you something about your father. He can't see. He's blind, isn't he? hn Mortimer: [Voice Over as Boy looks out of the car window] It was a question our family never asked. Naturally, I didn't answer.

hn Mortimer: Did you ever smoke opium? ifford Mortimer: Certainly not! Gives you constipation. Ever see a portrait of that rogue Coleridge? Green around the gills and a stranger to the lavatory!

ifford Mortimer: [At tea] Sex! Sex has been incredibly over-rated by the poets. I don't recall having many Mistresses with thighs like white marble...

ifford Mortimer: [Drowning Earwigs] Just think, if we did this all over the world for a million years, would we cause a tiny dent in evolution? Would we produce an earwig that can swim?

ifford Mortimer: Within six months he'd married this hard-hearted girl. But he was not a Wicount and he was not a Nearl! He was not a baronite or a saviour to us, but the Bow-Legged conductor of a tuppenny bus!